Old Man

Happy Birthday to my old man!  Getting up there aren't ya'??

Crafty

So my crafty Christmas is now on the downward slope.  Hoping I don't get burned out before I'm done with it all.  I've been trying to be good about taking breaks to relieve the brain and so far so good.  I'd show you some things but a lot of things I can't show for fear of letting the cat out of the bag.  So I'll save up for a big "after Christmas" post.  The best part of one of my breaks was rearranging my craft space.  Mary gave us three cabinets from her house that she thought would be good for my stuff.  I'll tell you what, they are AWESOME!!!  Way better than I thought they'd be.  I'm normally and all or nuthin' kind of girl.  I'd rather totally complete a project than to be stuck somewhere between getting it off the ground and finishing it up.  SO many of my projects have bit the dust because once my mind decides I need to move on to something else, I rarely go back.  SO organizing my craft stuff has gotten a little overwhelming.  So much stuff and no idea who, what, when, where, or why.  So when Mary offered these cabinets I thought "yeah, okay, it'll get me started."  But they fit almost EVERYTHING.  Almost.  It is way better than having scrapbook stuff here and sewing stuff there and card making stuff somewhere yonder and oh yeah that kid crafty stuff is around here somewhere...  Anyway, having everything organized, at least in my head, has given me the added push I needed to get goin'.  I don't feel as overwhelmed.  Still some organizing to be done but for now....whew.  Just for fun, here is proof of one of today's breaks:

Am I Really That Busy?

As I was sitting here just now thinking about this post, it hit me.  I've been thinking a lot recently about how much I miss the "me" time or "alone" time that I had in college.  Some of my best memories were made while seeking a quiet place to think.  A time to pray about things on my mind.  A time to write poetry.  A time when I could sit and just be amazed at God's goodness and the beauty around me.  I did this often...even if it was from my bedroom or on a cold night at a park (secretly being followed by a dear friend that was concerned for my safety alone in the dark).  I've been missing those times.  I miss putting my feet in a cold creek bed while smelling cedar and reading God's word.  I keep thinking that I wish I had the time to do those things again.  Then I think about why it is that I AM so busy (time wise) and how exceedingly blessed I am.  Then I remember that, Lord willing, those times will come again when my children are gone and I'll be able to take my hubby with me in silence.  If the Lord chooses to bless me with continued life, those times will come.  For now, I give all of me to God through staying home.  To my kids.  To my hubby.  To the things He gave me.  And I DO spend much time thinking and praise God for these gifts.  But what hit me was this: those times, that I remember so fondly, were times that my heart was concerned about my future.  Colleges, career, husband, kids, family, marriage, etc...  And today, none of those things seem to concern me.  Don't get me wrong, they are extremely important to me, however, I no longer "worry" over them.  Whether my heart is happy over answered prayers, or that I've learned some about trusting God to care for me the best way ever, I'm not sure.  At this moment, I feel that He has it so well handled, that as long as I continue to look to Him, I no longer need those "alone" times.  My alone times now involve much singing, praising, and working (cause we all know the house won't clean itself and the laundry doesn't know how much soap to use on its own).   I still may like some "alone" time like I had before but I'm not sure what I'd be thinking about exactly...  Maybe I'll try it soon and see what happens...  But right now, my kitchen is begging to be cleaned...

Oh Really?!

So I've been told to document these things...  And I'll kill myself later if I don't do it.

The other day (SEVERAL weeks at least) I was sitting at my computer in the late afternoon like I do most every day.  Hope is down for her nap and Gabe is under strict orders (like every day) to be quiet and not wake her up.  How this normally works is Gabe eventually gets louder and louder until I can't stand it anymore and threaten him within a inch of his life about what will happen if he wakes her up.  Anyway, I was sitting there and enjoying the quiet when this slight noise met my ears.  Everyone knows this sound.  It is the sound of scotch tape being pulled from the roll.  Now Gabe in the past several months thinks tape is the best invention ever.  He will cut stuff up just so he can tape things together.  No one can figure out what he makes, but... he just is how he is.  It is bad enough with the tape that you shouldn't be surprised by finding tape stuck to your sock as you walk through our house.  It is EVERYWHERE!  Because tape does not grow on trees and therefore can get pricey at this rate, he is limited to having to ask us for use of the tape dispenser (when he has the ability to peel it from the roll, I don't know what I'll do :P).  This particular day, no such permission has been given.  So this sound means someone is about to be in trouble.  I casually, and with as much noise as I could without waking up Hope, make my way down the stairs to the source of this disturbance to my quiet afternoon.  As I make my way down, I hear loud shuffling of things and a kitchen drawer slam shut.  He has not yet learned the subtle art of hiding incriminating evidence, for which I'm thankful.  I approach this scene with calmness.  "So, what'cha doin'?" I ask.  He lays his "toy" down on the counter and replies so nicely, "Nuthin'."  This makes me pause, "Really?  It doesn't sound like "nuthin'"?"  And then he comes back with this: he slants his head and rotates his hips away and says, "oh, you don't need to worry about it."  I must admit, I cracked.  With a grin-trying-to-look-stern, said, "oh really!!" and proceeded to walk him through this logic.  Oh the boy has guts and nerve baby.  That phrase is a phrase I use a lot when he asks about things that he doesn't need to know about or wouldn't understand anyway (like some scenes on TV or if I have a reaction to something I've been reading).  Nothing like having your words thrown so innocently back in your face.  HA!

Gabe has recently had some gastrointestinal issues.  Basically throwing up for no known cause.  Completely random.  No accompanying symptoms.  Just one or two quick heaving and then he is fine.  Once a day or so.  He started one day and we assumed it was the chicken he ate for lunch since some chicken seems to do that to him (Chik-Fil-A and Tyson frozen nuggets do it).  The next day I chalked it up to he hadn't cleared his system.  The next day he was fine.  The following day school called before class had even started to send him home.  That day we started limiting his diet.  Heavy sugary things were out.  Which meant is favorite drink (Sprite) and his favorite snacks.  He went a couple days after that as normal as ever.  Three days later when I was getting my routine done before going to bed I heard that sound.  The sound every mother loves.  Throwing up, in bed, at night, all over the carpet.  Yay.  So I clean everything up and make sure he has a barf bucket next to him when he goes back to sleep.  I tell Tony what has happened when I crawl into bed.  The next morning, Gabe asks for something specific for breakfast (I was still in bed) from Tony.  I'm guessing based on the conversation that it was Pop-Tarts or something.  Tony tells him no and that his tummy needs another break.  Gabe insists that he is "feeling better?" (Gabe talks with an inflection in his voice like he is always asking a question).  Tony says that he can't have it since he threw up the night before.  To which Gabe stoically voices "you didn't see me!" as if that settles the matter.  Apparently Gabe still thinks that if you didn't witness something...it never happened.  HA!

I know there are more but that is all I can think of at the moment...

Moolah

Well, we finally made contact with a property manager to rent out the house.  Sounds so promising.  Apparently, all the houses in our neighborhood that are being rented all have tenants.   Which means we have a good neighborhood for acquiring renters.  Yay!  Also means that we can hopefully get more in rent than we thought we'd be getting.  We might even be able to come close to breaking even for our mortgage instead of coming up with several hundred out of pocket every month.  Double yay!!

On another front, we still haven't figured out what to do with the car.  Tony's car hasn't been touched in weeks and is still just sitting there.  We can't yet decide if we are going to scrap her or if we will be able to come up with the hopefully minimum amount to fix her.  We'd fix her if we could come up with the money.  We don't have the cash to fix her with all the house stuff and moving stuff going on....and Christmas...  But, we can't afford to buy another car.  So option A is try to find a couple hundred dollars extra to fix it while also trying to pay for all the other things we need to do, or option B is to scrap her and get a little cash to help with these expenses but have no second car for at least a year.  Either way we are taking a hit with the car on top of the hit on the house needing some tending to.

Lee is already booked for a trip back to Texas.  I, personally, have given up on him getting sold and with his continuing lameness issues don't feel comfortable with selling or even leasing him out.  So that money we had been sorta hoping for isn't going to be coming at all.

In an attempt to conserve our cash, my Christmas presents this year will be...not much.  No one out of town will be getting anything until probably around Valentine's.  We'll call them Valmas presents.  People here in town will get something handmade from whatever stash of craft stuff I have on hand.  My problem is that I think I've over stretched myself on the projects so some presents might be late...we'll see.  I've got a couple done but only because those items I felt would be easier (mostly because they have actually been decided on while many other things I haven't figure out what to do yet).  I'm trying though.

One day at a time....

Thanksgiving Eve

So I'm now 29 years old and for the first time in my memory helped make my first batch of rice krispie treats!  Tony did all the work, as usual, but I helped by pouring the krispies in while he stirred.  We will test them out tomorrow.

I have decided that I'm seriously going to miss Publix after we leave.  Never in my life have I loved a store as much.  Night before Thanksgiving we decide to cook for the big day.  That of course required a trip to the store.  I went prepared to spend half the night in there.  We were there less than an hour, which included a long wait while Daddy picked out coffee (I mean seriously....how long does it take to pick one???),  looking for spices (why does it take so long to find spices when they are alphabetized?), and forgetting an item or two and going back.  The best part...we didn't have to wait in line...at ALL!!!  Gotta love Publix.

The big news...Hope is almost potty trained!!  We have had two outings now that did not require a change of clothes!  She has been wearing big girl undies for more than a week and has had few accidents.  She tells us when she needs to go and we never have to remind her or ask her.  She has a little trouble with holding it in the car.  I don't know if it is distractions, or if it is just the cozy feeling of sitting in her car seat.  We are working on it though.  She seems to be completely unfazed by public restrooms and washing her hands is her favorite task, even at home.

Gabe spent most of the past few days sick.  Not the feverish, snotty, tired kind of sick.  Just the puking kind.  And random.  Not right after eating.  Not all day.  Just once or twice a day since Saturday.  He even went to school all day Monday but waited until he was home.  Was sent home from school by 7:30 AM on Tuesday for throwing up.  It was weird.  But today....almost completely back to normal.  We took yesterday down to liquid diet and added bland stuff today.  He is back to begging for food all day every day.  Poor fella needs some good calories now.

I haven't seen Lee in 3 weeks!!  I'm in withdrawal.  I'm going to steal away for a couple hours tomorrow to ride.  Just take a nice trail ride since Lee has been in training for a week and a half with the barn owner and I'm not sure when I'll get to ride again.  We have kinda given up on selling him and have started making plans for his return to Texas.  Which makes me happy and sad...for many reasons that we won't go into yet.

Tony is well on his way into outprocessing.  Need some paperwork back from Gabe's dentist, doctor, and school since he is technically in the "exceptional family member" dept., but we are mostly set.   He is happy to say that he should only have one more week of being on-call.....forever.  Lord willing, by the time he finishes this teaching assignment in Wichita Falls, he will have promoted out of having that wonderful duty.  He is a happy man about that.

It isn't looking good for Tony's car however.  We are looking at already over $300 for the parts (used) that we KNOW we have to fix.  A) we don't have that much, much less the more than that it will most likely take  B) it isn't worth that much to begin with really.  We will wait until we get estimates on scrapping her before making a decision.

And as much as I would love to end this with a whole list of things I'm thankful for....I don't have time to list them all as I'm so abundantly blessed.  I try not to take too much for granted but honestly, I KNOW I do but I'm exceedingly thankful for all the gifts in my life.  Thank you Father for all of it.  It is all from You.

2 Months

2 Months from now we will be leaving.  Leaving SC for TX.  Something we've been striving for for about 5 years.  Suddenly it seems too close.  Too close to saying good-bye.  I'm not ready.

I don't make friends easily.  When I do make friends, they become a deep part of me.  And when they go for whatever reason it seems like a part of me is being ripped out.  I KNOW when I move, I'll be back where I was 5 years ago of wanting to go back.  We moved here and I just wanted to go home.  Now we are moving closer to home but in such a new place that all I'll want is to move back here.  My friends here are such that here has become home.  And the more friends I leave behind the harder it is for me to make new ones.  I figure by the time I make friends in TX it will be time to move again.  This is only a three year assignment that cannot be extended.  It took me three years here before making friends.  I don't want to leave.  2 months is just much too close.  I don't want to be alone again but I'd rather be alone than feel this way again 3 years from now.  I can't imagine life without the people I have now.  I'm not going to handle this well at all....

Guilt

I have a couple blogs (from unmet people) that I read and come across every so often.  I usually go back because I feel some kind of connection with them.  A couple blogs written by moms of sick children recently have mentioned feeling a sense of guilt over their sick baby(ies) being healed.  They wonder why their child was spared when so many others just as loved, prayed for, and wanted as theirs passed on.  I know that place.  I know that feeling.  I saw some pretty nasty things in the NICU while we were there for 123 days.  I will NOT go into detail.  Just down right horrible things, for our child and many others.  I also can come from a small place of knowing down right horrible physical pain.  When you have an emergency c-section without proper pain killers...  I CAN say with certainty that God only gives what you can bear.  But even this thought has made me feel bad, as I think, "how weak I must be that God thinks I can't handle A-B-C!"  And this is where all that leads me:

We know not why God does what He does and frankly, who do we think we are to question it??  Who made man?  I feel that God's reasons are many.  Whose to say that the child that didn't make it wasn't put here to teach a very specific lesson to those effected.  Maybe parental love.  Maybe the pain of losing a child (Jesus).  Maybe to open the hearts of those around.  Maybe to teach one of a hundred different lessons.  That child did what God needed for that child to do and spared that child the sinful life he/she would have eventually lived .  I know that so many of my lessons on God and learning about Him and understanding Him came upon this battlefield we call the NICU.  Things I would never have learned.  These lessons have helped mold me into the person I am today.  Without them, I really don't know where I'd be.  I doubt I'd be married to Tony and all the blessings I have now would never have come to be.  For those that have lost their child, I'm sorry that they have endured such tragedy, but God has allowed these things to occur for His reasons.  To teach, to mold, to make His children who He needs/wants for them to be.  I wish it didn't have to happen that way, but He knows way better than we do what is needed.  Some may say, why put a child through such misery to teach US?  But I know for fact, that God can wipe the memory of pain and how much more do we learn by knowing of the pain these things have on ourselves and others?  I remember very little of my surgery.  Tony on the other hand REMEMBERS.  What lessons God may have had for Tony that day, I don't know.  But I know God wiped those moments from my conscience.  I don't remember.  Not all people can say their physical pain wasn't remembered, but back to my point about lessons learned and things taught through the pain.  I hate that our sinful nature causes such extremes to be needed at all, but apparently they are needed as God loves us enough to put HIS child through this kind of pain ON PURPOSE to save us.  No parent would chose this kind of pain on purpose, but God loved us enough to do it.  The life that one person has may not lead another to the same understanding and knowledge.  We are all different, we all need different things by which to learn.  I remember being saddened by my visits to the NICU but more vividly remember the joy by having one more day with my child even if he was on a ventilator.  I knew God never promised I'd take Gabe home, and I honestly never expected it.  I mean no one did.  So I strived with every visit to make it one of joy because I'd likely not have another chance (little did we all know...).  I no longer have guilt over my blessings, and after my pregnancy with Hope, since she has also been deemed a "miracle,"  I DO wonder what lessons God has for me now with their lives and struggles we have ahead.  God is making me who He wants me to be.  I just have to be open to the lesson.